I don’t know, I mean I am not sure

My tears fall

Or do they

Really, I don’t know anymore

I just smile

And keep my chin up

And then I explode

And I shout

Or do I just think I do

I don’t really know anymore

I feel so very lost

And yet wasn’t this supposed to be the way for me to be found?

I know that this emotion is fleeting

I will wake up and let it go

But then it will hit me like a train

And I will once more face that locked door

Behind which all my emotions lie

Behind which my past is visible

My words flow free

Ringing through empty space

Will they find someone?

Will someone feel the same?

It doesn’t matter because tomorrow

Well it will be here soon enough

3 hours more

And then I will let it go

I will make my peace

And I will sleep easily knowing that

For now its all in check

Tomorrow I shall wake

And act like this, this right now, never happened

And none will be the wiser

Except you

And except me

This is the closest thing to peace people like me receive

Dreaming of the day…

Sorry I haven’t added any new writing recently..I will post them later today or early tomorrow. College has just started so I have been busy getting acclimated to college life and classes. I really hope one day you will all be able to pick up a book of these poems in a book store. Do any of you think my writing is good enough to be published??? Thanks for any and all feedback=] xoxoxo

When it Ends….

You think its going great

But I’m sorry your too late

Its going down in flames

Your hanging on a solitary thread

This, this is pure undiluted dread

That everything in your life

Will come crumbling down tonight

You here the songs of hope and love

You hear the screams of pain and sorrow

But where the hell do you lie in the vast tomorrow

No suffering will ever be too great

This is it.

This is all there is

It’s fate.

So say goodbye to what you’ve known

Say goodbye to your emotional bound throne

Flip the switch

Shut me down

This is it.

Do you hear me.

I am screaming out loud.

The Real Me

I am like everyone else

Hurt me and I’ll cry

But no one seems to realize it

Keep bending me to see if I break

Well your just too late

I am already broken

But no one knows

I cry when I am on my own

I wont let you see my weakness

You will use it against me

Call me bitter

Yes I am

Call me angry

I wont give a damn

You say you don’t know me

Well then what do you see

I look in the mirror

And this is me

So take all your bullshit and stuff it away

I will keep living, day after day

This shit that I go through is not who I am

But your wrong if you think that I don’t give a damn

I may not regret the choices I’ve made

But trust me I most certainly have paid

I’ve paid with my heart, my mind, and my soul

And still not one of you will let it go

You think that you know me

What the hell do you know

You think I am an ice queen

My heart is buried in snow

But here is a thought you wont understand

I cry, I break, I build myself up

You wan’t the real me then here take a look

It’s all in my writing

My sorrow

My pain

It’s all in my writing

What is there to gain?

You want to know if I can feel your harsh words

Well I cry when I write this

I know that I’m absurd

But here is another thought for you tonight

It may not be all smiles and rainbows

But I sure will put up a fight

For I believe in happiness

Even tonight

So I’m sorry that you think I am a cold hearted bitch

But hey your just another on that long list

When will we learn?

I wonder sometimes as to when humans will learn humanity. I understand that there are times when force is required. When we must fight for our way of life, but those moments are few and far between and are only responses to force. So if we removed force altogether, world wide, couldn’t we just live as one? I just can’t believe the cruelty that can be found in the world.

You may be wondering why the hell I am suddenly contemplating this, but first off I watched Rise of Planet of the Apes and second off, I watched a movie called The Messenger earlier both of which showed the world at its darkest. First to discuss all the problems I have with humans after watching Rise of Planet of the Apes. Ok so when is it ok to torture those of us who can not speak for themselves? I am a huge proponent for animal rights and I was beyond disgusted with the testing that was portrayed in the movie. Yes I realize it was all fake, but it is going on as I type all over the world. I wish I could smack every human who has ever hurt an animal. Even  the little things like salting a snail are beyond wrong. Why do people feel the need to hurt any living entity?

Ok so I could go on and on about how wrong animal cruelty and animal testing are. And yes I feel animal testing is wrong even in the medical pathway. Why should animals suffer for our benefits???? Ok sorry back to the second movie which made me question the humanity this world has. The Messenger is a movie about the soldiers who are responsible for alerting families to the death of a soldier. I think the men who take the huge responsibility that comes with that job are hero’s in their own right. Onwards though, it made me contemplate the fact that so many young men are dying all over the world in so many countries due to war. I hope that we can one day move past all of the hatred and fear and become united as one people.

If you have ever watched the show Futurama, you know that whoever is elected President isn’t just the President of the U.S but of the world. I hope that one day we will be united like that. Ok so I will try not to harp TOO much on the fact that I believe that humans currently have a ridiculous amount of stuff to learn. But hey you may get more harping in later blogs.

Won’t Go Back

This is an original work. Plagiarism is illegal. 

I don’t want to go back to the past life I have lived

I’m looking forward to the future with a smile on my face

There is no way I will fall from grace

Every day is a fight for the human race

The lies that kill

The smiles that deceive

Its all just another screw up for me

No way in hell I’m going back to the places I have been

The darkness that used to consume

I would hide away in my room

But no longer, but no longer

I will face my fears alone

A new days dawning thats all I need to survive

The hurt that struck like lightning I will put out with the light

No longer shall I fear the pain

Tomorrow is a new day

The light is shinning bright

Streaming through my window

The past I have lived seems like a dream to me now

I will put in the past

Lock it away like some horrible beast

Time will mend it all

Or at least help me to forget it

Crying will now be replaced with smiles

The lies will be run out with the truth

Past regrets are just that, the past

Every day is a fight for the human race

The lies that kill

The smiles that deceive

Its all just another screw up for me

Facing it all

Turning my life around

Fixing the mistakes I have made

Turning the lights on.

Shunning the darkness that used to consume

Forever Is Not For Us

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Forever is such an awfully long time

Your easy use of the word is such a crime

Yet here you sit that very word on your lips

Didn’t you know its too long for people like us

We don’t do forevers

We only do nevers

So tonight kiss me and forget the word you long to stay

Because one of us will be gone by the break of day

Tonights all that matters

Its you

And its me

This is the only way we are meant to be

The night is meant for passion

And day comes too soon

I awake alone

I was right to say

Forever is not our way

Hidden Lovers

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The night is their blanket

Hiding a lovers carress

It is forbidden

But no one would guess

That their sighs and their whimpers

Are not meant to be

That their looks and devotion

Are a hidden fantasy

The night ends too quickly

They must draw apart

With one kiss to many

They set to depart

Until the next time they say their farewell

They know it is too dangerous to dwell

The sun breaks their magic

A sight tragic to behold

Each lover was too open and bold

Their secrets lay open to sight

And the lovers fight a last dying fight

Their hearts are breaking

It kills them so slowly

Almost before their love had time to become

 

Loving Hate: A Monologue

I hat you, yet I love you. I wish upon you hurt, yet all I want is to make you happy and give you love. How did it come to be like this? Once my heart was only full of love and although you didn’t love me you liked me. Now when you look upon me all I see in your eyes is disdain and when you look in mine you see pure unbridled hatred. Yet what you don’t see under my mask is the love I feel for you. But is my mask actually a mask or is it just part of what I feel for you in my heart? Can hate and love live together? Yes, they can. Thats your answer. I hate you with the same intensity that I love you. I want to make you happy but I also what to break your heart like you brook mine. Ha. Isn’t it funny how you broke my heart and yet, like a fool, I love you. However, I am not as foolish as you. I didn’t earn the hatred of the one who felt only an intense love for me. I can’t lie to myself any longer. I love you and yet mixed in with that love is hate. Will I ever get back to a pure love? No I doubt I will. The hate will continue to taint the love, making it bittersweet. I know now that you shall never look at me with love, but then I will never look at you with only love. So, in the end we are even.

Selfish

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I do not love him, yet I want him to love me. I do not like him, yet I want him to like me. I do not want him, yet I want him to want to be wanted. Is it selfish of me to want his heart and yet not return his love? Is it selfish of me to want what everyone wants? Although I would not part with my heart, would I not be gentle with his?Would I not hold his heart softly? And if I can not have his heart another’s would do. I do not want to love, but I do want to be loved. Is that so selfish of me? In due time I will love. In due time I will give my heart but for now all I want is anothers love. Is that so wrong? Is it not part of human nature to want compassion? Why must one give their heart in order to feel the warmth of love? Why must one love? Oh so many questions and oh sow few answers. I do not have his or anyone’s love and I am still asking, why?